Delphine, The Unworthy Book Blogger

Dear fellow Babblers,

I’m a little douche…

I have an overflowing inbox of comments, nominations, tags, bookmarked posts and author requests that have no nearby end. In the past week I seem to have reached an all time low in blogging activity. Since I started my blog back in May I’ve been extremely active and have learned so much from so many bloggers that I’ve had the opportunity to know and learn from in the past few months.

With all the life changes that are going on in my life right now, despite my rising at 4 am every morning, I have been not been very loyal or attentive to my blog and readers. I know this all pretty unnecessary to write, given that every blogger, aside from being a blogger, also has a life and several responsibilities. Despite all my jokes, profanity and attempted humor I take my blog very seriously and having it means a lot to me. It has provided me with an outlet to express my thoughts and critique books I read, meet other avid readers, make publishing contacts, and explore my imagination and connections with characters and the fictional universe. So to have turned away from my blog for just the past week has definitely cracked my heart a bit so I want to first apologize to any readers that care and, of course, qualify my negligence and overall unworthiness of calling myself a “book blogger.” 

1. First and most life-changing: I’m moving to France today. I have lived all my life in California and have never strayed far from the city or what I know so this is all very exciting, but at the same time potentially catastrophic. My decision to accept a position in Joigny (an hour outside of Paris in the Yonne department) as an assistant teacher came about rather last minute so everything is moving so quickly now, I have little time to pause for a tea break! With all the packing, document-signing, and planning the day goes by so fast and before I know it I’m in bed weary-eyed and aching for some shuteye.

2. My second life event is the cause of my my first. Why is such a drastic life change as relocation to a whole other country in a different continent happening so quickly, and, lets be honest, SPONTANEOUSLY?!?!
I love. And when I love I love hard. I’m the epitome of disastrous relationships and given my history, I usually steer clear of them. For about the past two years I’ve been having a “fling” with an actor I went to high school with. We all know how the “friends with benefits” thing goes: you promise yourself you won’t get emotionally attached and fall for that person, but then it just sort of happens and before you can stop it, you’re in too deep to get out. And you know what the worst part of it is ? It’s the dreaded truth that there’s no one there to pick you up from your heartbreak? And why? Because there was supposed to be no “heart” to begin with. It’s called “friends with benefits” for a reason – there’s no heart, emotions, soul even included in the abstract deal. It’s really a tricky trick that’s so easy to fall into, especially when you’re close to a person from the start and have known them for so long.

Promises are a form of commitment to others. Once you make a promise, you’re bound to the person you made that promise to. It doesn’t matter what was promised. So when someone breaks their promise and even lies? Your heart cracks. You know it does. People tell you you’re being silly, and you’ll get over it and move forward. But what do you do when these situations follow you long after. You let go of one special person, or well, they force you to let go. It hurts. You cry. You do self-harm. You’ve abandoned your passions. No distraction helps. You break out in sweats at night. You’ve lost so much of yourself. Time goes by and you think you’ll be okay. But then someone comes along with a different guise, name, identity. What attracts you to them like the one before ? The heartbreak that will unfold. You don’t know it until you’re heartbroken by that person and again they force you to leave them. The cycle continues.

What about now? Enough is enough. People say that these obstacles make you stronger. I’ve never believed that. Obstacles hurt. They make you weaker. You lose your trust in people and you grow fearful. The memories remain vivid and you float through reality and lucid dreams at night. Was that a knock on the door? Is he coming up the stairs? Will he want to stay the night? Is he drunk? Is he going to break my shoulder? Is this really happening. The answer is yes. Memories blur reality and perception, making you distrustful of your own being – what it attracts, gets attracted to, and how it breaks little by little, quickly vanishing.

Again. Enough is enough. You want to live because now your dying and drowning. Drowning. Drowning in your nightmares. Your very life is all one cyclical plague. So you decide, like when you were a child and forced to stop eating so many cookies, to run away. You move halfway around the world and leave everything behind you. Your family. Your cat. Your books. You’ve lost so much and you won’t let it happen anymore. You run away. Your problems will follow but you will be reborn in a place where no one knows your name or knows you exist. Sometimes escape is the only way…

So “you” means all of us, including Señorita Delphine – I’m really just running away from what’s happened between me and him. I know him and I can never “be,” due to my not-so-great history (another babble for another day), so how can I deal? run away, quite literally…

Like I said, when I love, I love hard, and despite my telling myself I would never fall in love again, that’s exactly where I found myself. #girlproblems

I’ve gone off on this one for way too long, but it hurt and writing is my solaceI’m trying to pull through but the darkness has been getting in the way for too long now. But my hope is not diminished.

3. And last on Delphine’s drama-infested life list: doctors doctors and MORE doctors. Obstacles, obstacles and more obstacles. It’s not all good, but it had to happen. Why? Because it made me weak enough to let go of the life I’ve know and move away without a look (hopefully) back. I have a few diagnosis’ which aren’t all that great so a lot of the time, I alternate between happy and sad. On the sad days, writing blog posts is really hard and all I really end up doing is reading and daydreaming. That’s not to say that reading and daydreaming is bad but like, when you’re a book blogger and reviewer there comes a time for putting yourself out there in social media land and writing!!!

I thought it might be a good idea to continue in this post by setting some goals for myself. I want to earn back my title as a book blogger and reviewer so goals must be made, no matter what… 

 1. Get off my gosh-forsaken hyney and write more posts! That’s not to say I haven’t been posting, I mean, I still post every other day which is the commitment I mad when I started my blog, but as many of you can probably tell, they haven’t been all that great. Well, not up to the standard that they used to be. I’ve been writing lots of reviews since I’ve been reading and finishing books left and right like a mad woman, but not really much more than that. I really want to start writing more discussion posts and catching up on my nominations which I am sooooo behind on! I know I don’t technically have to write or respond to every single one of my nominations, but like, if a blogger is going to be so kind as far as to make a shout out to me, the least, the very least I can do is return the love…

  2. I need to step up my game in terms of reading and commenting on posts. Like, no joke. I’m a horrible excuse for a blogger. What’s the point in blogging if you gonna be a hermit! I mean, your blog is basically out there and available for all of the world to see and read. It’s not like no one forced you to write and share it with anyone and everyone who stumbles across it. So, blogging isn’t about being a hermit and focusing on your own beautiful (or not so beautiful *ahem ahem… DELPHINE*) writing. It’s about sharing and exploring what others have to say. That’s one of the things I love most about blogging – the sense of community and openness. And especially in the book blogging community! From wordpress to Goodreads to Twitter I’ve made more friends through my bookish interactions in the last 5 months than I have in all of my life…
… I don’t want to lose that. I’ve lost a lot in my life (again, another babble for another day) and book blogging has given me a huge outlet outside of the reality of my problems and oftentimes, myself, and helped me to enter so many worlds and look into the worlds of so many others. Even though I haven’t been as sociable in the last few days here, that’s not to say that I’ve tired of blogging and therefore am doing the bare minimum. As noted above, that’s not the case at all! And though I’m unworthy of being called a blogger right now, I hope in the coming weeks, when I’m finally settled and have made it through all my current obstacles because, I know I will, I will redeem myself and then y’all won’t be able to shut me up!!!

          3. Posting and interacting. What’s the last requirement I have in order to bring myself back and become a “book blogger” once again? Just to be me. When I’m hurt or in pain, it’s hard for me to want to be me and when it comes to blogging who can you really be but yourself?

It could simply be the hopeless romantic in me, but I feel as though a person’s writing style really tells who they are. It’s hard and probably (unless you’re an expert faker) impossible to mask your personality in your writing. Their are quirky ones, intelligible ones, and altogether perfect ones. I think it comes from my experience with multiple authors from a number of different countries that gives me the skill of knowing all about a person just from their voice in writing.

I apply this to myself because, while I am who I am in my writing, lately I’ve been a bit of a bore. I own up to it because I can deal with the brutal truth. I’ve been rather monotone and not at all “with it.” But we all go through heartbreak and unfortunate circumstances which morph who we are and although the days are dim for me today, I know that the future is full of sun and luck because, that’s what we all deserve, including me, Delphine, the Babbler. 

Yours Truly, 

That’s what’s going on with me. If one thing hasen’t changed, its my long posts so I hope some of you were able to stick with me through my rambling life update and hopes as a blogger. When I finally get my life back together and I feel more like my old self I’ll be confident and happy to call myself a “book blogger” once again. But for now, I’m just Delphine, the Babbler.
I love and value all my readers and bloggers that I follow oodles and noodles…each and every one of you! *virtual lovey dovey hug.*

 

21 thoughts on “Delphine, The Unworthy Book Blogger

  1. Delphine, I’m so sorry to hear of your broken heart 😦 Those are never fun and never easy to maneuver your way through, ever. Congratulations on your new job! I hope you find what you are looking for in France, and I look forward to hearing about your adventures there. As far as your blogging goals, give yourself a break. For most of us it is a hobby and something we have to make time for within our daily lives. Your presence is always a good one, no matter how often it’s gotten! Sending you love and well wishes!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kacy, thank you so much for your kind words – they really mean a lot to me. Yeah, it’s been pretty rough but also a perfect excuse to move to an exciting new place – haha.
      That’s true, but going on hiatus just scares me, not sure why, but blogging has always been an outlet for me so not being on here as much as I’d like to read all of everyone’s posts is no fun at all!.
      Thanks, I hope you have a lovely week coming! ❤

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  2. Sorry that you’re struggling, but how awesome that you are moving to France and have a new job. I hope you love both. I have the same thoughts about blogging and commenting. It’s hard to keep up, but I think everyone understands that. Glad to be blogging with you! ❤ Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! There are so many amazing bloggers. It’s just so hard to keep up. It takes a lot of time too, I get it. ❤ I see a lot of people take breaks and I don't think it's bad. I need one as well! 😉 Hugs and be safe.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Exactly, like, I’ll always make plans to do a specific book or read a certain book fast enough to do a review and it just never turns out like that! *sigh* In an ideal world all I would do is blog and read – hahah!
        Yes, you’re right. I guess I’ve just been having a huge blogging high over the last few months so it super hard to just not do it. 🙂 Thank you so much Michenko! Have a lovely start to your week. ❤

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  3. Delphine, DON’T ever feel bad at all for having to take a break. you’re such an amazing blogger, and your posts are always a delight to read. Everyone needs breaks once in a while!! though I myself completely understand how guilty you feel after being inactive for so long ): and if you find yourself not being able to reply to every single comment, that’s also completely fine!! Your well-being takes priority over everything, after all. If you ever find yourself having to take a hiatus, we’ll definitely miss you here, but we understand ^^

    I’m so so sorry to hear that your life hasn’t been going well romantically for you. It’s always the people with the most love to give that seem to lose the most. here’s to new beginnings ❤ on that note– ahhh, you're finally moving to France!! How exciting!! I can't wait to read about your life updates there 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Awwww Hannah – your comment brought to biggest smile to my face – the first in a long time 🙂
    Yes – new beginnings – I’ll toast on that one ❤
    You definitely will – I'm going to be taking pictures and videos and writing like never before – haha.

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  5. oh my girl. i’m sending you the biggest virtual hug there ever is. i know how you feel. believe me. it’s shit. it makes you weak, but believe me, it will make you stronger. and i know, that moving to france and taking this job is the best decision you could ever make! i am sorry, your heart got broken, but every person who does such a thing doesn’t even deserve one second of your life to think about the situation or the person itself. you are an amazing person as i’ve got to know you in the past months. i love your posts and comments and you always brighten my day. and every person who doesn’t see that or who really is just playing with you, needs to be put far far away from you. i know it’s easy to say. i didn’t have the strength back then but i know, that i have it now and it will never happen again. and i am very sure, that you will come to the same point. and france will help you so much. change of scenery, away from all the sorrows, so many new people is all going to be so great. believe. you will feel better very, very soon. and we will see it, when you’re back to blogging and cheering us up! please never loose who you are, because you brighten our day and when you’re back 100% you can do the book blogging again. no worries. take your time and everything will come to place again! i wish you the bestest start in your new home. let us know how it went. hugging you again! ❤

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    1. Oh my goodness that’s just about the most touching thing I’ve ever read thank you so much Alex. You don’t even know how much I value what you say. I’ve had such a pleasure of getting to know you these last few months and knowing that I can share my life with all my blogging buddies makes the healing process all the more easier. I definitely hope I made the right choice by leaving but I guess I’ll find out soon – hahah. Talk to you soon love ❤

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  6. Delphine! First off, you are a great blogger. Blogging takes time and energy and it’s perfectly understandable to need time off from it, especially during big life changes! Don’t feel bad at all!!! Second, I totally understand how it is to feel weak when your heart is hurting, but trust me that you’ll come out stronger from having been through this. You seem to have such a great and bubbly spirit, and as you heal and gain experience from your life in France, I have such confidence that you will come out of it a stronger person. Think of it as real-life character development 😉 Thanks so much for sharing this with us, I think letting other people into your pain is such a tough step, but it’s far better for the heart than hiding it all away! I hope you have a FABULOUS time in France!!

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    1. Your comment just made my morning – thank you so much Steph. I’m so grateful for all the friends I’ve made here so my healing process is getting easier to grasp onto now that the hardest part is done.
      Haha – I’m a little overly silly so that won’t ever change but at the moment rest and a new form of inspiration is exactly what I need.
      Thanks! Hoping to visit Provence today! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  7. Sorry to hear about your broken heart, but good luck with the move and the new job. It sounds like it could be an amazing experience and adventure. And I’ll just say that even the most dedicated of bloggers/vloggers/etc take breaks or lighten their posting schedule at times. We can’t be 100% on our game all the time. Sometimes life hits us hard or we just need a mental/emotional health break. It happens, and it’s okay. We the readers (and fellow bloggers) understand all too well. We’ll still be around if you do need to rein it back a bit. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself first.

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    1. You are so right. Thank you so much Danielle. I just arrived in France a few days ago and I’m already feeling so much better. I love blogging but sometimes the pressure gets to me and especially now it’s ben so hard to find the motivation or inspiration to write anything.
      Yes, life is so unexpected. I never thought in a million years I’d be relocating halfway across the world but here I am.
      Thanks for the kind comment love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m still super happy for you about the new job and France! But I’m sorry to hear about your broken heart. 😦 Your post made me want to hug you so bad, so here I am, sending you a big, warm virtual hug ❤ I hope you you'll be feeling better!
    I wish you all the best and hopefully you'll have good time at France and enjoy that new job! And don't feel bad about taking a break from blogging! We all need that sometimes even though it feels bad to be gone and not posting. But we all need to remember to put ourselves first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww Hanna. I just saw your comment just now and it almost gave me tears ❤ ❤ Thank you so much and I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner I've been in France a week and my internet connection is terrible. I hope you have the best week ever my darling *HUMONGOUS virtual hug*

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a hard time, Delphine ❤ I sure hope your moving away to another country will help you and enrich you as a person, and that you may overcome the most difficult obstacles in life.
    The heart wants what the heart wants, isn't it? And when you love hard, and with your whole self, it's inevitable that you get hurt in one way or another – if by loving too much and not getting enough back, or because you forget your own self and start living for this other person, or just because they don't love you back. Or they do and one day they stop. But we still love, over and over, even after we say "never again". And it's the best time of our lives when we do! But also the worst. It's a catch 22 of life and we must accept it and deal with it the best way we can.
    No matter what, you must keep your chin up, believe in yourself and all you have to offer, and focus on you. Focus on your health, your mind, your soul, your body, your goals, your friends and family, the best you have. Leave everything else behind. (Quite literally too!)
    I honestly wish you all the best of luck in France and may you come out stronger from all these ordeals. I know you say you don't believe in that sort of mentality, but maybe that's all you need – to believe. And with belief, comes possibility.
    I'm looking forward to seeing you around more often and to interact with you more. You are such a lovely person and blogger and you deserve every good thing that ever happens to you. A very happy 2018 and may we speak again soon ❤

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