Dear fellow Babblers,
I’m a little douche…
I have an overflowing inbox of comments, nominations, tags, bookmarked posts and author requests that have no nearby end. In the past week I seem to have reached an all time low in blogging activity. Since I started my blog back in May I’ve been extremely active and have learned so much from so many bloggers that I’ve had the opportunity to know and learn from in the past few months.
With all the life changes that are going on in my life right now, despite my rising at 4 am every morning, I have been not been very loyal or attentive to my blog and readers. I know this all pretty unnecessary to write, given that every blogger, aside from being a blogger, also has a life and several responsibilities. Despite all my jokes, profanity and attempted humor I take my blog very seriously and having it means a lot to me. It has provided me with an outlet to express my thoughts and critique books I read, meet other avid readers, make publishing contacts, and explore my imagination and connections with characters and the fictional universe. So to have turned away from my blog for just the past week has definitely cracked my heart a bit so I want to first apologize to any readers that care and, of course, qualify my negligence and overall unworthiness of calling myself a “book blogger.”
1. First and most life-changing: I’m moving to France today. I have lived all my life in California and have never strayed far from the city or what I know so this is all very exciting, but at the same time potentially catastrophic. My decision to accept a position in Joigny (an hour outside of Paris in the Yonne department) as an assistant teacher came about rather last minute so everything is moving so quickly now, I have little time to pause for a tea break! With all the packing, document-signing, and planning the day goes by so fast and before I know it I’m in bed weary-eyed and aching for some shuteye.
2. My second life event is the cause of my my first. Why is such a drastic life change as relocation to a whole other country in a different continent happening so quickly, and, lets be honest, SPONTANEOUSLY?!?!
I love. And when I love I love hard. I’m the epitome of disastrous relationships and given my history, I usually steer clear of them. For about the past two years I’ve been having a “fling” with an actor I went to high school with. We all know how the “friends with benefits” thing goes: you promise yourself you won’t get emotionally attached and fall for that person, but then it just sort of happens and before you can stop it, you’re in too deep to get out. And you know what the worst part of it is ? It’s the dreaded truth that there’s no one there to pick you up from your heartbreak? And why? Because there was supposed to be no “heart” to begin with. It’s called “friends with benefits” for a reason – there’s no heart, emotions, soul even included in the abstract deal. It’s really a tricky trick that’s so easy to fall into, especially when you’re close to a person from the start and have known them for so long.
Promises are a form of commitment to others. Once you make a promise, you’re bound to the person you made that promise to. It doesn’t matter what was promised. So when someone breaks their promise and even lies? Your heart cracks. You know it does. People tell you you’re being silly, and you’ll get over it and move forward. But what do you do when these situations follow you long after. You let go of one special person, or well, they force you to let go. It hurts. You cry. You do self-harm. You’ve abandoned your passions. No distraction helps. You break out in sweats at night. You’ve lost so much of yourself. Time goes by and you think you’ll be okay. But then someone comes along with a different guise, name, identity. What attracts you to them like the one before ? The heartbreak that will unfold. You don’t know it until you’re heartbroken by that person and again they force you to leave them. The cycle continues.
What about now? Enough is enough. People say that these obstacles make you stronger. I’ve never believed that. Obstacles hurt. They make you weaker. You lose your trust in people and you grow fearful. The memories remain vivid and you float through reality and lucid dreams at night. Was that a knock on the door? Is he coming up the stairs? Will he want to stay the night? Is he drunk? Is he going to break my shoulder? Is this really happening. The answer is yes. Memories blur reality and perception, making you distrustful of your own being – what it attracts, gets attracted to, and how it breaks little by little, quickly vanishing.
Again. Enough is enough. You want to live because now your dying and drowning. Drowning. Drowning in your nightmares. Your very life is all one cyclical plague. So you decide, like when you were a child and forced to stop eating so many cookies, to run away. You move halfway around the world and leave everything behind you. Your family. Your cat. Your books. You’ve lost so much and you won’t let it happen anymore. You run away. Your problems will follow but you will be reborn in a place where no one knows your name or knows you exist. Sometimes escape is the only way…
So “you” means all of us, including Señorita Delphine – I’m really just running away from what’s happened between me and him. I know him and I can never “be,” due to my not-so-great history (another babble for another day), so how can I deal? run away, quite literally…
Like I said, when I love, I love hard, and despite my telling myself I would never fall in love again, that’s exactly where I found myself. #girlproblems
I’ve gone off on this one for way too long, but it hurt and writing is my solaceI’m trying to pull through but the darkness has been getting in the way for too long now. But my hope is not diminished.
3. And last on Delphine’s drama-infested life list: doctors doctors and MORE doctors. Obstacles, obstacles and more obstacles. It’s not all good, but it had to happen. Why? Because it made me weak enough to let go of the life I’ve know and move away without a look (hopefully) back. I have a few diagnosis’ which aren’t all that great so a lot of the time, I alternate between happy and sad. On the sad days, writing blog posts is really hard and all I really end up doing is reading and daydreaming. That’s not to say that reading and daydreaming is bad but like, when you’re a book blogger and reviewer there comes a time for putting yourself out there in social media land and writing!!!
I thought it might be a good idea to continue in this post by setting some goals for myself. I want to earn back my title as a book blogger and reviewer so goals must be made, no matter what…
1. Get off my gosh-forsaken hyney and write more posts! That’s not to say I haven’t been posting, I mean, I still post every other day which is the commitment I mad when I started my blog, but as many of you can probably tell, they haven’t been all that great. Well, not up to the standard that they used to be. I’ve been writing lots of reviews since I’ve been reading and finishing books left and right like a mad woman, but not really much more than that. I really want to start writing more discussion posts and catching up on my nominations which I am sooooo behind on! I know I don’t technically have to write or respond to every single one of my nominations, but like, if a blogger is going to be so kind as far as to make a shout out to me, the least, the very least I can do is return the love…
2. I need to step up my game in terms of reading and commenting on posts. Like, no joke. I’m a horrible excuse for a blogger. What’s the point in blogging if you gonna be a hermit! I mean, your blog is basically out there and available for all of the world to see and read. It’s not like no one forced you to write and share it with anyone and everyone who stumbles across it. So, blogging isn’t about being a hermit and focusing on your own beautiful (or not so beautiful *ahem ahem… DELPHINE*) writing. It’s about sharing and exploring what others have to say. That’s one of the things I love most about blogging – the sense of community and openness. And especially in the book blogging community! From wordpress to Goodreads to Twitter I’ve made more friends through my bookish interactions in the last 5 months than I have in all of my life…
… I don’t want to lose that. I’ve lost a lot in my life (again, another babble for another day) and book blogging has given me a huge outlet outside of the reality of my problems and oftentimes, myself, and helped me to enter so many worlds and look into the worlds of so many others. Even though I haven’t been as sociable in the last few days here, that’s not to say that I’ve tired of blogging and therefore am doing the bare minimum. As noted above, that’s not the case at all! And though I’m unworthy of being called a blogger right now, I hope in the coming weeks, when I’m finally settled and have made it through all my current obstacles because, I know I will, I will redeem myself and then y’all won’t be able to shut me up!!!
3. Posting and interacting. What’s the last requirement I have in order to bring myself back and become a “book blogger” once again? Just to be me. When I’m hurt or in pain, it’s hard for me to want to be me and when it comes to blogging who can you really be but yourself?
It could simply be the hopeless romantic in me, but I feel as though a person’s writing style really tells who they are. It’s hard and probably (unless you’re an expert faker) impossible to mask your personality in your writing. Their are quirky ones, intelligible ones, and altogether perfect ones. I think it comes from my experience with multiple authors from a number of different countries that gives me the skill of knowing all about a person just from their voice in writing.
I apply this to myself because, while I am who I am in my writing, lately I’ve been a bit of a bore. I own up to it because I can deal with the brutal truth. I’ve been rather monotone and not at all “with it.” But we all go through heartbreak and unfortunate circumstances which morph who we are and although the days are dim for me today, I know that the future is full of sun and luck because, that’s what we all deserve, including me, Delphine, the Babbler.
That’s what’s going on with me. If one thing hasen’t changed, its my long posts so I hope some of you were able to stick with me through my rambling life update and hopes as a blogger. When I finally get my life back together and I feel more like my old self I’ll be confident and happy to call myself a “book blogger” once again. But for now, I’m just Delphine, the Babbler.
I love and value all my readers and bloggers that I follow oodles and noodles…each and every one of you! *virtual lovey dovey hug.*